Arts, News

Oberlin is Going Nuts Over Its New Name

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In tune with the recent creation of an albino squirrel mascot for the Yeomen, the college announced this past Friday that it will now begin phase 2 of its complete exaltation of the albino squirrel. What has for years been an endearing icon will now become a literal one: the school’s name, while still pronounced [Oh-ber-lin], will henceforth be written as Oberlin.

“The albino squirrel represents everything we value as a community here at Oberlin,” announced President Krislov last Friday in an email sent out to the entire campus. “Just like us Obies, it is unique, resourceful, unconventional, and burns in direct sunlight. This change in script is the beginning of something bright and new, and I couldn’t be more excited about what the future holds for Oberlin college.” Krislov ended the email in powerful fashion: “Forever your President, Marvin Krislov.

And remember: We are  Oberlin. Fearless.”

Students have been spotted praying in Tappan Square all week, bowing down before any of these melanin-deficient rodents who happen to grace them with their divine presence. “They’re just so… beautiful,” said Kathy Stein, a 3rd year Studio Art major. “These albino squirrels have always held a special place in my heart. In fact, the prominence of these majestic creatures in the school’s social media presence is the sole reason I chose to attend Oberlin.”

The change will be rolled out in the coming weeks, starting with the most public displays of the college name, such as on the school’s website, and on signs around campus.

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However, not everyone at Oberlin is thrilled with the change. “Do I even need to say anything?” asked college 5th year B.L. Ridley in an online dialogue about the new name. “This will confuse everyone. It is comically ridiculous. I can’t believe I paid $200,000 to attend a college whose name will now be printed on my diploma as a fucking squirrel.” Krislov quickly lashed back, claiming that “this is not just any squirrel, but an Albino Squirrel. And don’t be so fast to assume you’ll be getting that diploma Ms. Ridley…. not with that attitude.”

Krislov assured college students worried their school apparel has been rendered obsolete that they can trade it in at Barnes & Noble for equivalent items adorned with the updated spelling. “We wouldn’t want those students who show their school spirit to feel silly now.”

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